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For Love & Money is a biweekly column from Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
This week, a reader asks how they can stop buying their mother-in-law’s gifts for their kids.
Our columnist says there’s only one thing to do: Tell their mother-in-law “no.”
Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
Dear For Love & Money,
How do I get my in-laws to take responsibility for their holiday gift-giving? Every year, my mother-in-law gives me money to do her Christmas shopping and wrapping for my children (her grandkids) because I know what “they want.”
This adds an undo amount of stress and time management to what is already a very stressful season. But because of the financial support, I don’t feel like I can say anything. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Accidental-Personal-Shopper
Dear Accidental-Personal-Shopper,
It’s an open secret that sometime around the age of 21, the most wonderful time of the year transforms into the most stressful. I’m a born romantic, so I tend to bury my head in the snow and scream, “it’s magical!” even as I race around town burning money to create that “magic.” My kids love it, and I still say I love it. But my gosh, if my in-laws were to make me conjure their holiday magic on top of my own? I would melt down like Frosty confronted by the sun.
Terrible similes aside, I would tell my mother-in-law no. No is a hard word for many of us, especially in complex relationships like those we share with our mothers-in-law. There are so many layers to this relationship. We want her approval, acceptance, and for her to scoot over and make space in her family for us. Because if she doesn’t, we must choose between walking away, or wrestling the whole family for a seat at the table. Most of us have wonderful mothers-in-law, but the quality of our in-law’s characters has little to do with the complexity of our relationships with them. Our desire for the approval, love, and acceptance of our in-laws can motivate us towards odd, out-of-character behavior — like erasing our ability to say “no” to even the most absurd requests.
And, to clarify, her asking you to do the Christmas shopping for her grandkids is absurd. How many movies have we seen where a boss tells their assistant to buy their apology present or children’s birthday and Christmas gifts to signal to audiences that this person is frigid and career-obsessed? This is because the whole nature of gift-giving is about the emotional, mental, and physical energy that goes into it. When I open a gift from a loved one, I imagine them thinking of me and deciding to turn that thought into something that will make me think of them affectionately in return.
There are limitations to this, of course. Especially as we age, doing anything, let alone trudging around the shopping mall for a long afternoon, can become difficult. If your mother-in-law asked you to do her Christmas shopping because she can’t get out and about or access online shopping, the kindest thing to do is to oblige her. But you said her reason is that you know what your kids want.
This is why I think the kindest thing to do — for yourself, your kids, and your mother-in-law — is to gently tell her, “No.”
If she doesn’t know her grandchildren well enough to know, or at least make a solid guess, what they want for Christmas, this is her opportunity to get to know them better. Asking kids what they want for Christmas is a fantastic way to hear what they are currently into and why. Her relationship with her grandchildren is sure to be enriched through this exercise. And if getting to know her grandchildren isn’t her priority, that’s her problem, not yours. If she decides to make it your problem by giving them cash or gift cards, which will still leave you to facilitate the shopping trip, you can at least do it during a less stressful season.
To clarify, I don’t think your mother-in-law is asking you to select, purchase, and wrap her gifts for your children to be malicious or even lazy. I am sure she is sincere when she says that it’s because you know what your kids want. I am sure she also feels like it eliminates the possibility of your kids receiving duplicate gifts and, in general, simplifies the whole thing. But it doesn’t simplify your stressful season, and it is time you gently told her as much.
You mentioned that your reason for doing this task for your mother-in-law despite not wanting to is due to her “financial support.” I am not sure if you meant she supports your family financially in other areas or if you simply meant that since she is handing you money and asking you to spend it on your kids, telling her “no” is awkward. Since I don’t know otherwise, I will assume it is the latter.
So much of communication is in tone, which is lost through email and text messaging, so I suggest you have this conversation with her in person. I would pull her aside and say something like, “Hey, I know in years past, you’ve given me money to buy the kids their Christmas gifts, but this year I am overwhelmed with all of my responsibilities and won’t have time. I have asked the kids to make lists for you. Call me if you have any questions.”
If she expresses any doubt, use it as an opportunity to build up her confidence as a grandmother. Perhaps all she really needs to hear is, “The kids adore you. They’re going to love anything you get them!” Because it’s true, they’re kids receiving items they didn’t have before that we’re specifically picked out for them by their beloved grandmother. They will love whatever she picks out for them.
Rooting for all of you,
For Love & Money