After our escape from the mischievous monkeys of Ubud, we needed to chill the fuck out. Thankfully, the final leg of our journey takes us to an island called Gili Air, which might just be the most chill place on Earth. But first, a few words about our driver, who might just be the hardest working teenager on Bali (HWToB).
On the two-hour drive from Ubud to Padang Bai, Christina felt a little car sick, but HWToB and I talked the entire trip. HWToB told me that he was just finishing his final year of high school.
“I drive a few hour in the morning before school starts, and I drive after school too. Sometimes I do other jobs too, like in a restaurant, or help my family farm. I also take care of my parents. They’re old. I’m the youngest. My brothers all work on cruise ships.”
“How’d you get this job?” I asked.
“My uncle works for the fast boat company. They need drivers, and I can drive.”
“Will you be a full-time driver after you finish school?”
“No. I’m studying Korean so I can work in Korea.”
“What will you do in Korea?”
“I’ll work in a factory. The money is way better than here. My Korean is not good, but I just need it to be good enough to pass the exam so they’ll hire me in Korea. When I get there, I’ll use English. Everyone in the world speaks English. It’s how you get ahead. Also, YouTube is better if you know English.”
“How long will you stay in Korea?”
“A few years. I want to make some money, then come home and buy land.”
“What will you do with the land?”
“Live on it, start a business.”
“What kind of business?”
“Something that makes money.”
“So by the time we come back to Bali, you’ll own the place, huh?”
“No. Well, yeah, maybe. I hope so. But first I have to pass my Korean exam.”
Switching gears, I asked HWToB if he had ever been to the Gili Islands.
“No. But they’re beautiful. It never rains there.”
“Never?”
“Never.”
“And they’re Muslim, right?”
“Yeah, they’re part of Lombok. Lombok is Muslim, like the rest of Indonesia. But they’re chill. Lots of parties and beaches. Drugs too.”
“I thought drugs were illegal in Indonesia?”
“They are. But there are no police in Gili, so drugs are legal.”
I wasn’t sure HWToB and shared the same definition of “legal,” but I let that slide. I wanted to know what else he had heard about Gili Air.
“No cars. You walk, you bike, or you take a horse.”
We had heard about the horses. When we booked our hotel, they told us that a man with a horse-drawn cart would meet us at the docks.
“They don’t have dogs there because dogs are haram.”
OK, so dogs were out, but drugs were in. Sort of. This had to be the weirdest interpretation of Islamic law I had ever heard of.
“They have cats, but the cats have no tails. Also, no plastic. Well, they try to avoid plastic because it’s bad for the environment.”
When we reached the fast boat, I gave HWToB 300,000 rupiah, about $20. He looked shocked because that is a huge tip in Bali, where tipping is appreciated, but not expected. I told him it was a thank you for a great conversation and to put the money toward his bulgogi fund. He told me he was going to watch some YouTube videos to learn about bulgogi.
As we took the two-hour fast boat from Bali to Gili Air, I considered what I had heard about our destination. Everything HWToB told me about Gili Air tracked with what other Balinese people had told us about the island. But none of the Balinese people we met had actually ever visited Gili Air, or its sister islands, Gili Meno and Gili Trawangan. Because I want these dispatches to be more than just hilarious encounters with monkeys and beautiful travel pictures, I made a mental list of claims to verify on Gili Air.
No cars
No rain
No dogs
No plastic
Cats are cool, but their tails are out
Drugs are a maybe
Within thirty-six hours of arriving on Gili Air, I busted several myths. First, it does rain here. In fact, there was a really solid downpour our second night on the island. Second, the cats here have tails. But the claims about cars and plastic are accurate! Both are bad for the environment, the locals say, and so both cars and plastic are unwelcome. Our hotel also bans beef because of the “cow farts.”
As for the drugs it’s hard to say what the deal is. Some of the people getting on the boat at Gili Trawangan looked like they had come from one of Thailand’s full moon parties. If they didn’t manage to score coke, ecstasy, and magic mushrooms, I’ll come back, dunk my Dodgers hat in a bowl of sambal, and eat it. Here on Gili Air, the drug scene is chill. I’m positive I could buy weed, but there’s no way in hell I’m buying weed where my only defense is that HWToB told me it was “legal.”
Regarding all the other vices you might think are forbidden on a Muslim island, this agnostic, cultural Jew is pleased to report that Gili Air’s top three priorities are as follows:
Have fun
Have fun
Have fun
The only local woman I’ve seen wearing a hijab was also in charge of collecting the island’s 10,000 rupiah entry fee at the dock. You can get booze anywhere, anytime. When I asked a hotel staffer about modesty, he told me that it was only necessary for women to cover their legs at Hindu temples. Then again, our hotel pool has designated skinny-dipping hours. Also, the local boat captains have filthy minds, as evidenced by the names they give their boats. A few fan favorites:
SS Mama Gets Wets
SS Sex Machine
SS Fuck
The boat names gave us plenty to laugh about when we chartered an unnamed boat for a snorkeling expedition on our first full day.
Our first stop took us to a reef just off the shore of Gili Trawanga. We saw thousands of colorful fish, but the sea turtles were the highlight. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something magical about watching sea turtles doing their thing. It’s like a moment of Zen wrapped inside a warm hug.
Christina also got a great video of a sea turtle ascending toward the surface for some air. Sound on!
But climbing back onto the unnamed boat, Christina banged her leg on a ladder that, frankly, wasn’t ship shape.
“Welcome aboard the SS see you next Tuesday,” Christina said.
“Is that see, or sea?” I asked.
Christina enjoyed the pun, but she took a pass on our second stop, the underwater statues at Gili Meno.
A word about the statues. Initially, I thought they were the ruins of some ancient civilization—Lombok’s answer to Atlantis. But then I turned to Google, and Google rained on that parade.
The statues, which guide books typically describe as “haunting” and “beautiful” are actually an art installation by Jason deCaires Taylor. The piece, which features 48 life-size figures standing together and curled up on the ground, was commissioned by a luxury resort. The idea is that statues, which are made from eco-friendly material that won’t mess up the ocean, will grow coral, and hopefully, grow business too.
Before I jumped into the water, Christina gave me a quick course on how to use our GoPro. Then she remembered that she was speaking to someone of limited technological ability.
“I’m setting it to take stills,” she said. “Just point and shoot.”
“Got it.”
As soon as I jumped in the water, I realized two things. First, like all Instagramable tourist attractions, Meno’s underwater statues are a clusterfuck of amateur photographers jockeying for position so they can do it for The Gram. Second, the current is so strong that you need to kick and stroke really hard just to maintain position, while using all of your power to actually reach the statues.
After recording an epic workout on my Apple Watch, I reached the statues. I wanted to take in the beauty of an underwater art installation, but that just wasn’t in the cards. Instead, I focused on maintaining my position, dodging other swimmers, and snapping as many photos as I could.
“How’d it go?” Christina asked when I got back to the boat.
“I took a lot of photos, but I’m not sure what I got.”
Then I handed her the GoPro, along with a disclaimer.
“If I’ve got shots of people’s butts and crotches, that wasn’t intentional,” I said. “The current was so strong, and it was a total clusterfuck, so I just snapped photos like crazy.”
Christina checked the GoPro. I had indeed shot some X-rated underwater photos, but Christina deleted those. Then she picked the best unobscured shot and posted it on The Gram, naturally. Then I asked her to send me the original photo so I could share it with you!
We had planned to visit another snorkeling spot, but we cut short our voyage on the SS Sea U Next Tuesday.
Back at our hotel, Christina took an Advil for her leg, and the pain went away. Late in the afternoon, we walked out on the beach, and ordered some food and drinks. Then we hung out with the other guests and the hotel staff to watch the sun set over Gili Meno and the mountains of Lombok.